Modern Values
March 10, 2008 – Honor and responsibility are giving way to self-interest and shrewdness in our society, which does not bode well for our future.
By Dave Eriqat
I find myself troubled by a relatively minor incident which occurred a few days ago, but as a result of the baffling behavior by one of the parties involved, it is assuming disproportionate significance.
I’ve been visiting my parents in California for the last few weeks, waiting out the cold Kentucky winter. My parents live in a wealthy, quiet area. I’ve been parking my car in my parents’ driveway ever since the neighbors across the street left a nasty note on my car reading, “This is not a permanent parking space,” referring to my parking on the street. On Friday, those same neighbors backed into my car, while it was parked in my parents’ driveway! I only discovered the damage after finding a note on my car reading, “Sorry I scratched your car.” The damage was hardly a scratch. The rear bumper was scraped and deformed. I immediately ran off and got two repair estimates, one for $1,075 and another for $1,337. As soon as I got back to my parents’ house I called the man, who at least was honest enough to leave the note on my car, and told him about the two estimates. Even though he said he wanted to pay out of his own pocket rather than involve his insurance company, he immediately started seeking ways to reduce the cost, offering to send over some guy with a traveling repair shop. Well, his “guy” never called, so I took the car to the shop with the $1,337 estimate. I did so, not because it was the most expensive, but because I had more faith in that shop and they offered other advantages, such as a free shuttle service, which saves me $60 in cab fares.
I talked to the man in person the day after he damaged my car and I – generously, I thought – agreed to accept $1,075 from him – the lesser estimate – and pay the additional $262 for the higher estimate out of my own pocket. I agreed to let him pay out of pocket instead of involving his insurance company, I spent two hours running around to obtain repair estimates, I’m without my car for at least four days, and my return to Kentucky is now going to be delayed. All the while, the man who caused the damage hasn’t lifted a finger to do anything about it or suffered any inconvenience whatsoever. Given all the accommodations I’ve made, I would think that the least he could do is promptly pay me what he agreed, but as yet I’ve received nothing from him. I have the impression that he’s hoping the problem will just go away if he ignores it.
What baffles me is the man’s avoidance of responsibility for the damage he’s caused, especially since this is an affluent neighborhood. $1,075 cannot be much money to someone who lives in a million dollar house. To me, however, that’s two months’ worth of living expenses; it happens to be a lot of money to me at the moment.
I think if the roles were reversed, were I the one who damaged his car, I’d do everything in my power to expedite restoring the man’s car to the condition it was in before I damaged it. Not only would I reimburse him promptly and in full for the repair cost, I’d even offer to pick him up from the repair shop and drive him back to fetch his car. And I’d make sure he was satisfied with the repairs once he got his car back.
Frankly, I’m at a loss what to do about this. I’m trying to be nice about the whole thing and I don’t want to create a stink with the man because he’s my parents’ neighbor. I just don’t understand why he is unwilling to assume responsibility for his actions.
Maybe my mistake is assuming that other people are like me, or that the value system is the same as it was a few decades ago. Maybe modern values are different from what I grew up with.
freeacre said,
April 3, 2008 at 12:18 am
Dave,
I hope the guy pays you, but I seriously doubt it. I think that you may be wrong in your assessment that people with plenty of money pay up more. More likely, your parents are surrounded by selfish, greedy bastards and it will take litigation to see a penny of what he owes you. He’s waiting for you to leave and then it’s “adios, amigo.” He knows it would cost you more to get a lawyer or go to small claims court in CA from Kentucky. Should have filed a report with the insurance company and the police. I would not leave the area without the money or the report made out.He probably did not make his money by being nice.
Sorry, Kid. I’d like to be pleasantly surprised.
Dave said,
April 5, 2008 at 7:22 am
Surprisingly, the guy finally did pay me, but he was sure reluctant. First he tried to offer me $500, then $1,000, and finally relented and paid the lesser estimate of $1,075. I actually stuck around another week to make sure his check cleared the bank!
It was, however, an instructive lesson on several fronts. The guy is evidently a real estate agent and times are tough for them, even for those who live in million dollar homes. As our economic conditions deteriorate I expect social obligations, such as assuming responsibility for damage one causes to another’s property, to become tattered, not to mention less and less enforceable. When people become desperate about their own economic situation they’ll stop caring about maintaining good relations with their neighbors (unless they’re friends), and stop caring about maintaining god social graces. In a way, I feel fortunate that this happened now instead of a year from now, when he might not pay at all.
Unfortunately, I arrived home to Kentucky to find five burst pipes from the cold, more missing roof tiles from gale force winds, and raccoons living in the walls … again! Argh! I really hate those annoying varmints.
freeacre said,
April 5, 2008 at 9:50 am
Well, good, Dave! I’m pleasantly surprised that the guy paid you. You are right about the social/financial climate. Tough times will bring out the worst, as well as the best, in people.
Broken pipes and racoons?? Aaargh!
bikernina said,
May 2, 2008 at 10:13 pm
In a climate of lies, pending armegeddon, food insecurity, massive foreclosures and unemployment while cancelling insurance policies, sending resumes and not receiving aknowledgements, mail scrutinized, identity thievery and Godzilla software making accident claim decisions, what-do-you-expect? You’re supposed to be suspicious of the neighbors, certain a rip-off is in the making, delayed from your travel plans, angry, incovenienced and always, always emptying out your pockets. Isn’t there alo somebody you have to protect from your rage at these times as well? How perfect, your parents and your warm, loving visit with them in their home, all of which should be leaving meaningful, good memories behind you after your return to KY. It could have all gone so well, until …
There is a way to resolve it in seconds by looking at the psycho right in the eye and establishing he supply your rides to and from the more expensive place at 7 am the next morning. Let the psycho know you don’t fear him, you are available at that time only and expect him to show up with the cash in hand.
If he wants to twist in the wind, you will have to let him know you are the making the rules. Display no submissive body language or hesitation, no willingness to hear his put-offs, this is your moment to remind him how to be a fair and square human being who will, of course, do the right thing.
Emphasize “fair” and “right thing”.
This is truth in action. Truth always works. It disarms heated moments, its more often than not, unexpected and brings borderline psycho-sociopaths right into line by appealing to their desired vision of themselves as a superior person.